No wrinkles, please.

Early last week, my cellular telephone decided to commit suicide.

I don't know if it's due to abuse, mistreatment, neglect, or sheer force of will. But it decided it would destruct itself for reason unbeknownst to me. I was upset at first, because I hadn't received the memo that it had an inkling to do that. It didn't even give me a two weeks notice! How rude. At least with my other mobile, it let me know it was slowly dying of monitor-related disease and gave me at least a few days to fend for another one.

But alas, this LG was kaput.

Because I'm not exactly rolling in mad cheddar these days, and cause I'm not due for an upgrade for a few more months, I decided to head for eBay, hoping that I might be able to get a stand-in till I got really serious about making a commitment (phobic, these days).

I don't know what possessed me to purchase a used LG Chocolate (I have come to despise these phones with a passion). But... I did. I thought... 'hey, how bad could it be?'

Turns out it's some old jerkhole trying to make another buck.

Besides the fact that this phone had bedazzles and sh*t all over it, (yes, bling bling), the battery is actually meant for a RED phone - not a pink one. And nevermind that the battery only lasts for 20 minutes after being fully charged. I won't even go into detail of the lack of consideration on the part of the seller for not having erased the messages on the in/outbox (and consider yourself lucky that you didn't have to read some of the titles on there!). But probably the WORST and THE most uncouth part of this whole circus?

At least you didn't have to sit there and erase inappropriate, disturbing pictures of a Chippendale in a g-string on a very sad bachelorette party and a (very severely) egg shaped naked woman mummified in Saran Wrap.

The short of it? That seller is getting his phone back. And he's getting the worst seller ratings EVER. And my complaint will be an allegorical tale, not a mini shout out.

There is a silver lining to my story though.

I finally went to the second store affiliated with my cellular company today, since I'd had a few hours to spare. It didn't occur to me to check with these guys after the first one had blatantly turned me down and said they couldn't do anything else and EVEN SUGGESTED (might I add) to check on Ebay! (I think it's cause she was a chick who didn't find me entertaining enough).

Within five minutes of arrival, I had a new phone in transit waiting for me, free of charge.

I didn't do anything. Except for answer irrelevant questions like, "what are you doing in Pensacola?", "how old are you?", "are you married?", "what's your number? (this is THE one time it's okay to tell!).

After the twenty social questions, I asked, "what's the catch? why are you giving me this for free?"

He smiled, "consider it the one thing I can do for a pretty little lady today."

Ergh... this is why it pains me, to get old. Cause I'm sure that when I'm wrinkled and furrowed at 80, I won't be getting phones for free.